It
April 28, 2017
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It is the loneliness I feel no matter how many people I surround myself with.
It is the attention I constantly seem to yearn for or need.
It is the sadness I feel for what I feel like no reason.
It is the emptiness yet the unmerciful amount of thoughts that rattle around my head all the time.
It is not being able to categorize those thoughts.
It is the putting myself down over and over as I don't feel worth. It.
It is the crazy energy I get at the end of a day.
It is how my heart races.
It is how I feel like my insides are shaking.
It is the uncertainty to how I will feel when I wake up or finally drag myself out of bed.
It is the sleepless nights.
It is the night sweats.
It is the fidgetyness!
It is the nothingness, the worthlessness.
It is feeling like you need to take a knife and stab yourself just to actually physically feel and have something physically "wrong with you".
It is feeling embarrassed to be yourself.
It is wondering why it took sooooooo many years to finally figure it out.
IT is Bipolar and or a Mood disorder.
Now that I finally know I have a mental health disorder I can finally figure out ways to take care of myself better. I now take medication on a daily basis. I see my Psychiatrist every fortnight for now. I am still quite overwhelmed as the mental health system is not great anywhere in the world. It took me 40 phone calls, 15 voicemails, 10 emails and then repeat.... I have health insurance so I am considered one of the lucky ones... I saw somebody for 2 1/2 months. She shook my hand, I sat, she sat and turned her back to me. I spoke for less than 10 minutes and she prescribed and upped medication every single time. So needless to say I stopped seeing that psychiatrist. But I plucked up the courage and made a phone call and left a voicemail. He returned my call after 2 hours. I was in shock as no other doctors ever returned my call. He is still now my psychiatrist and yes it costs me quite a bit. But its worth every Penney.
Now to go to years ago..... in a nutshell it just makes so much sense now. Going through school and finding it hard to fit in. Always needing attention and people around me. Inserting myself into different groups of "friends".
All I can say is I am happy with who I am and who I've become.
I am happy with the fact that I moved away and have created a wonderful, crazy, tough sometimes but challenging in all the right ways life.
A little word to the wise. Keep on being you. I've been me for years. I always thought there was something "wrong" with me as friends seem to come and go. But I've figured out there is nothing wrong with this wobbly head. There are lots of great things about myself that I am still learning and molding into my future. I choose to surround myself with positive influences.
I choose ME!
I choose to understand "IT".
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